Have you ever wondered if you are giving your child too much attention and spoiling them? Parenting expert Maya Risch says there can never be too much. Nevertheless, children must learn to expect attention from their parents. The expert explains how to proceed.
Do you constantly hear “Mom, look what I did” or “Dad, come play with me”? Do you also ask yourself from time to time: can’t my child wait a bit? Is it normal that my child always wants something from me? Am I paying too much attention to my child? Have I spoiled him?
These and similar thoughts are probably familiar to most parents of young children. Yes, our child needs our attention and care – preferably around the clock. Fortunately, they don’t need it all the time! Of course, he needs our presence and recognition to grow healthily, but not 24 hours a day.
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The Quality Of Attention Is More Important Than Its Duration.
In fact, how does this happen: can we also give too much attention to our children and thus No, we can never give too much attention in the sense of contact and presence, as long as it is authentic and we do not impose it? On them. But the quality of engagement is more important than its duration. I will come back to this subject later.
On the contrary, when we wonder if we are paying too much attention to our child, we don’t want to give him that attention at that moment. But we have a bad conscience.
Children Want To Helpful To Their Parents.
If children want to contact their loved ones, it is because they are dependent on our care and feel safe with us, their parents. They want to be valuable to us and feel loved, seen, and heard – as a personality in their own right.
When the child cries out, “Mommy look, daddy is coming here,” he wants us to take an interest in him and turn to him. He wants us to see what he is doing, what he can already do, what he is successful at or enjoys, or where he needs help. Often a few moments of eye contact is all it takes, along with a nod and an “Aha” or “Oh, so great” or “Yeah, I see you’re having fun.”
As small children prefer to seek our attention around the clock, it is entirely normal for it to become too much for us from time to time. We also have other needs, interests, and tasks, and we also have our limits.
Waiting For Mom Or Dad Is A Learning Process.
Are we allowed to ask the child to wait when we want to speak undisturbed to our friend on the phone, read the newspaper or have a quiet conversation with our neighbor? Yes, of course! We not only have the right to demand it but we are also supposed to. It is essential, not only for our well-being but also for our child’s development, that we clearly express our needs and our limits. If we make it clear to children what we want and what we need, they learn that not only do they have requirements, but we do too.
It is a learning process for young children to wait a few minutes and put. Many children can’t do it the first time, but they can learn if we give them a chance.
For children to learn this, starting with a brief period makes sense. At first, it may take two or three minutes. It allows for the first experiences of success. Then the duration can be extended to five minutes and more. Depending on the time of day and their daily form, some children can wait a little longer without problems, even at the age of four. It varies a lot from child to child.
Preparing Children To Wait
If we act with foresight and tell the child in advance what we expect of him, we make it easier for the child in the following situation. So if I want to have a quiet phone conversation, I can say, “I’m going to call my friend now. This will last until the kitchen alarm clock goes off. You can say hello if you want. After that, I want to talk to him alone and I want you to watch a book or do something else that you don’t need me for. Do you have any ideas? Do you need anything before I start? ”
If the child comes to us during the phone call despite being well prepared, we can briefly turn to him and say, “I hear you want something from me. Now I want to talk on the phone in peace. I’ll listen to you later.
It is a little more complicated when we do not have the opportunity to prepare the child, for example, when someone calls us. If the child now comes to see us, we should briefly interrupt the telephone conversation to tell him lovingly that we cannot take care of him at the moment. It’s best to say to him when we can turn to him again, “I see you want to show me something. I can’t watch now. Please find something you can do without me. After this phone, I’ll come back for you, but I don’t know exactly how long it will take yet.”
It Is Essential To Stick To Agreements.
We adults must always be aware that our child is learning. It means it takes practice, and so it’s completely normal that waiting or postponing needs doesn’t work.
This learning process needs to be reliably present as soon as the agreed time has elapsed, even if the child continues to be cared for.
Since young children do not yet have a sense of time, an hourglass can help them make time visible. “Come here, here is an hourglass. Watch how the sand flows. As soon as all the sand has fallen through the narrow part, I will be with you again”, we can say to our child. A stopwatch is also helpful. The time is thus visible to children.
What To Pay Attention
If children regularly receive a genuine presence and undivided attention, it is usually easier for them to wait occasionally with a bit of practice. If it doesn’t work despite all the help, we have to ask ourselves if we give them our full attention every time. For example, do we put the cell phone away when it comes to us? Are our thoughts perhaps elsewhere? Are we thinking about what needs to be placed on the shopping list or what still needs to be done in the office? So our presence moves away from the child. The child has the impression that we disappear, even if we are physically present. He feels alone and does everything to bring us back.
We can still do something to support the child in his learning process and strengthen our relationship. If we turn to the child after the agreed period, we can appreciate his effort. Even if only part of the agreed time worked. “I notice that you tried to wait! It worked a little. And when the child managed to be alone for a while, we can thank him: “Thank you for letting me talk on the phone in complete safety. tranquility and having played alone for so long. It helped me. Come on, let’s play together now. Now I have time.”
Adults who see, perceive, and express that their child wants to cooperate with them and be helpful to them are very important to children and encourage them to continue cooperating with us.
